A blogging brilliant day!

Just in case I haven’t mentioned it enough on social media or to anyone who has crossed my path (no matter how random), I went to Mumsnet Blogfest 2015 on Saturday and it was out of this world AMAZING! I went there like an overly excited teenager allowed out for the first time with no curfew (I even emptied my bag of squashed bananas and pants but seemed to miss the transformers poster, loo roll and a wind-up super Mario) and I left floating on inspiration, coffee, amazing line-ups and a few and a half bubbles or four.

TEN THINGS I LEARNT FROM BLOGFEST 2015

  1. If you have really bad circulation, don’t forget your super duper thermal tights, underwear and portable duvet as it will probably snow on your way there. IMG_3310

(I know it looks suspiciously like dandruff , but I promise it really did snow!… honest…..)

2. You will feel incredibly extra important when handed your name badge. You have an identity! You’re nobody’s Mum for the whole day, well you obviously are, but nobody is going to come and wipe their snot on your face or cry because you took the stairs and not the escalator (Unless you are extremely unlucky)

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3. The line-up was overwhelmingly amazing, just incredible. I was a star-struck fan during every talk, presentation and session, hanging on to every word like an over amorous monkey.

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4. That we are our own worst enemy. We need to believe in ourselves and big ourselves and everybody else up daily, if not hourly. ( I wanted to write minute-ly but it didn’t look right; as you can see.)

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5. Everybody has a story to tell and there are some incredibly brave people out there and if by sharing your experiences it helps just one person then you’re doing a better than great job.

6.You won’t go hungry or thirsty; the food was out of this world delicious , coffee was on tap and there was a whole table dedicated to puddings and chocolate. AMAZING!

(There are no photos of the food as I was too busy snaffling it up and whistling the tune to Gojetters when people commented on how fast the chocolate cakes were going)

7. Margaret Atwood got up at 4:44am her time, (US) to talk to us via live link. She rocks!

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(She’s on the screen! Looking over us all! Amazing!)

*Please excuse rubbish out of focus photos, I was too giddy with excitement and couldn´t stop wobbling! 

8. The team who organise Blogfest have magic powers. From the outside, it  looked flawless, they were unflappably awesome and very helpful and patient when dealing with slightly lost and confused bloggers. (I’m talking about “my friend” of course)

9. I may have a teeny tiny columnist crush on one of the speakers, who in his book “How to be Beth´s a husband” wrote an ace message and it is one that was reiterated by every speaker and panelist. Nobody ever made it big through watching Homes under the Hammer or This Morning.. (Note to self to tell afore mentioned “friend” from point 8….)

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10. Take seven and a half incredibly large suitcases to house all the amazingly fab goodies you will end up with including a ping pong ball, a swanky Boden brolly, posh body lotions and a jar of festive mayonnaise and LOADS of chocolate. Unfortunately,  there is no photographic evidence as I was pounced on whilst walking  in though the door by two over zealous hooligans who ran off with my loot , leaving me with nothing but my name badge. (“Why doesn’t it say Mu-mm-eeeee? Who’s Bet-Han?”).

IMG_3393“They showed no remorse.”

10b: Don’t be put off by the price. It is worth every single penny. If you saw any of those speakers on their own, you would pay the ticket price for each show, also if you ate and drank the quantity that’s on offer, you would spend six times that. I had to bully  ask various family members for the ticket and train fare as my Christmas present and I shall forever be indebted. While we’re on the topic, If anybody’s stuck for ideas for my birthday……

 

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WHO DUNNIT?

Last week at a party ( for the under fives),  my “friend” did a silent but incredibly violent trump. Cue, parents flocking from the darkest corners of bunting clad trees to check their offspring´s bottoms, nappies, pockets,. “Strewth!” exclaimed one dad ( or words to that effect) “That was nuclear!” coughed another. My”friend” , feeling quite proud of her skills decided to keep mum (literally).

This led me my friend to conjure up a list of the top five situations where it’s morally acceptable to blame it on the kids.

1.  Nails; When you are incapable of painting your nails without it resembling an effort from a chimpanzee using its bottom to hold the brush.

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The boys did it? How cute!

 

2. When your house resembles this multiplied by 7;

 

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Easier to say that the kids were nutters and you literally haven’t had a moment to breathe, let alone wash up. Nobody needs to know that the boys were brilliant and you spent the afternoon watching Bananaman, whilst sipping cooking wine from a mug.

 

3.  Cakes; When you have to take a cake somewhere and this happens.

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In this case, you don’t need to use your faithful scapegoats as it will just be automatically presumed that your recently out of the womb child made it.

 

4. The state of you ;  

When the children are small, it’s socially acceptable to go out covered in unidentifiable substances and look like you have just landed from another planet without a parachute. It’s also ok to have no concept of what you are wearing. The important thing is that you’re dressed and out . Well done you! Don’t have a raincoat or umbrella? No problem, a bin bag will do.

 

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Although easier to point the finger at the boys for lack of time etc… It gets a bit dubious when they look like they have just  stepped out of a catalogue and are constantly asking why you’re wearing dressing up clothes.

** There is a small possibility that I was on my own in above photo, and the boys were in fact fast asleep in another part of the country…

 

5. When you cut your child’s fringe; 

 

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To avoid being reported to the National Society for  the prevention of Hair Crimes. Much easier to say that they mistook their hair for a piece of paper.

* For some reason unbeknown to me and the rest of the human race, Boy 1 thinks this is the best fringe ever. (I think having my fringe as a point of reference has helped…)

 

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THE SALT OF LIFE

In general, I don´t have many helpful pearls of wisdom to share but i have discovered something that I feel the need to holler about, very loudly. Apologies if I am the only person on this planet who didn’t know this potentially lifesaving nugget of information.

Yesterday, I decided to cook sausages on the electric grilling machine which S is always raving about. The sausages were sizzling happily while two hungry children took it in turns to ask why lunch was taking 100 years. All of a sudden, there was a rocket type “WHOOOOOSH” actually more of a “WHOOOOMPH” as the whole grill-side of the kitchen became engulfed in rapidly growing flames. Panic stricken, I looked around for something to smother the fire with but all I could spy through my frightened eyes was a sock.

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As tempting as it was to fight the rising flames with a tiny sock, I ran across the landing, (plus side of living in a flat) and in the style of a 999 reconstruction, hammered on the neighbour’s door , only to run back inside followed by my neighbour who valiantly stretched around the flames and unplugged the grill, then plonked a plate on top of the flames and yelled for um………….. SALT.

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I flung it at him and he calmly doused the flaming sausages with the salt (I thought twice about writing flame-grilled) and put out the fire!  A quick google search confirms that yes indeed, salt is a fabulous weapon when faced with a grease fire (it also went on to say that you could put out a camp fire with wee, but to do it privately…)

I was in awe and wanted to hug my neighbour and the now empty salt pot. We were both a bit stunned and he broke the news to me that we wouldn’t be able to eat the sausages, which made me laugh a lot, relieved that the only casualties were the sausages and the grill, rather than the boys or the building.

How is it possible that they are still a bit pink?!

How is it possible that they are still a bit pink?!

Boy 1 and Boy 2, who had been watching in excited trepidation from a safe viewing point, whooped and cheered for our quick thinking superhero neighbour and of course the salt, before remembering that they were still ravenously hungry.

That afternoon, I spent a good fews hours trembling while one zillion “What ifs” zoomed round my mind. Luckily the boys had found the whole thing massively and weirdly exciting.  “We´re super brave, like Luke Skywalker” they exclaimed  tucking into their long awaited lunch of potatoes and chocolate snowmen.

The thing that was most terrifying was the speed of it, how in one split second everything could have changed. At bedtime, Boy 1 turned to me and said  “You need to be friends with Fireman Sam, he knows what to do.” I make a note to put Sam on speed dial and to stock up on salt then I kiss the boys goodnight, eternally grateful that somebody or something had most definitely been looking out for us all and vow never to cook sausages ever again.

Me, not doing a very good job of staying calm by Boy 1.

Me, not doing a very good job of staying calm, while the neighbour smoothly extinguishes the flames. @Otis.