Last week at a party ( for the under fives), my “friend” did a silent but incredibly violent trump. Cue, parents flocking from the darkest corners of bunting clad trees to check their offspring´s bottoms, nappies, pockets,. “Strewth!” exclaimed one dad ( or words to that effect) “That was nuclear!” coughed another. My”friend” , feeling quite proud of her skills decided to keep mum (literally).
me my friend to conjure up a list of the top five situations where it’s morally acceptable to blame it on the kids.
1. Nails; When you are incapable of painting your nails without it resembling an effort from a chimpanzee using its bottom to hold the brush.
The boys did it? How cute!
2. When your house resembles this multiplied by 7;
Easier to say that the kids were nutters and you literally haven’t had a moment to breathe, let alone wash up. Nobody needs to know that the boys were brilliant and you spent the afternoon watching Bananaman, whilst sipping cooking wine from a mug.
3. Cakes; When you have to take a cake somewhere and this happens.
In this case, you don’t need to use your faithful scapegoats as it will just be automatically presumed that your recently out of the womb child made it.
4. The state of you ;
When the children are small, it’s socially acceptable to go out covered in unidentifiable substances and look like you have just landed from another planet without a parachute. It’s also ok to have no concept of what you are wearing. The important thing is that you’re dressed and out . Well done you! Don’t have a raincoat or umbrella? No problem, a bin bag will do.
Although easier to point the finger at the boys for lack of time etc… It gets a bit dubious when they look like they have just stepped out of a catalogue and are constantly asking why you’re wearing dressing up clothes.
** There is a small possibility that I was on my own in above photo, and the boys were in fact fast asleep in another part of the country…
5. When you cut your child’s fringe;
To avoid being reported to the National Society for the prevention of Hair Crimes. Much easier to say that they mistook their hair for a piece of paper.
* For some reason unbeknown to me and the rest of the human race, Boy 1 thinks this is the best fringe ever. (I think having my fringe as a point of reference has helped…)